As you have gathered from my title, this post is about love, life, and loss - something that became all too real to me this summer. The summer months are always interesting to me. I am not sure if it is the lack of routine, the change in season, or what, but this summer was no different. I started it off by graduating from a 2 year leadership school I had been in, then began a new job at my church. At this point it really started to hit me that I live in Spokane now. My whole life was spent elsewhere, but now, for the foreseeable future, it is here. That is both wonderful and hard, especially for a girl like me who used to be afraid of (but is now learning to embrace) change. I still think about how life used to be just a few years ago and sometimes miss it. I feel like I have lost much of what I had growing up. Church. Friends. Those I was once close to. Some days I think about those things and it is incredibly hard. It seemed like there were a lot of days like that this summer.
Then that whole sense of "loss" hit me so hard one day in August. August 3rd. I was at a church conference with the staff at our church. I was walking out of our session to meet up with our group. As I got closer I realized something was not right. I asked my friend Gabrielle "what is going on?". Nothing could have prepared me for her response. She went on to tell me that Thomas had passed away. I could barely stand or breathe. Thoughts began racing through my head. What was she talking about? Thomas was my friend. He was happy. He was a very important person in our young adult community at church. He had his whole life ahead of him. How could he have taken his own life? It just did not seem real. In shock with tears streaming down my face, I walked to the car. I sat inside and thought about his life and in denial that he was actually gone. Jordan leaned over and held me. Thomas meant a lot to both of us. During our first year of SL we carpooled to class every day with Thomas. We made a lot of memories with him. I then began thinking about when was the last time I had seen Thomas. It was at church, the Sunday before. I remember giving him a hug and him telling me "you're beautiful sis". That was Thomas, an encourager to the core. He also had the best smile. It broke my heart to think I would never give him a hug or see that huge grin again. At least not on this side of heaven.
That day changed my whole perspective on life. The days after were spent crying, remembering, and spending time with our church community. I realized that week, that life truly is short. It is a saying you hear all the time, but now it is very real to me. And it has changed the way I live. I want to make the very most of this life I have been given. Now, more than ever, I want people around me to know how much I love, value, and believe in them. Who knows how long we will have them. I am not saying I want to live in fear of death, but rather in appreciation of the present, however long it may be. I no longer want to take my days for granted. I want to love and live well.
I still cry about losing Thomas. Whenever we have big church events, I often think he should be here. His memory will live on in my heart. I look forward to telling my future kids about him. I know I will see him again in Heaven one day.
Until then, I am going to live and love to the fullest. I hope you choose to do so too.
Sincerely,
Ann
